i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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