i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
