Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
