Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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