Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Randomize
