): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
