Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
