I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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