first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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