I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My ass is underappreciated
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
