Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
