My Higher Power is John Stamos
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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