Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
