i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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