I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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