Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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