Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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