If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
