Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
