I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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