i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
