i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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