yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
