i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I FOUND THE LEGS
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
