Moan for me like Helen Keller
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
