Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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