I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
