new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
