just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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