Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
