Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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