Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
