you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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