these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
