so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
