She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
