I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We need to rekindle our bromance
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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