Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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