Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
