I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
