I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
