I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
