I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
