sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
