There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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