you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
