If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
