please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
