my mouth tastes like poor choices
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
