Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
